Answers to Common Questions

What does AMEND do?
How do I get into the AMEND program?
Does it cost anything to attend AMEND groups?
How often do AMEND groups meet?
Is AMEND certified by the courts?
Does AMEND counsel abusive women?
What does AMEND do to help the victims?
What, exactly, is domestic violence?
Why do people abuse the people they say they love?
Why do victims stay in abusive relationships?
Why should I support an organization that helps batterers?
Does domestic violence ever occur in gay or lesbian relationships?
Does AMEND have groups across the nation?

What does AMEND do?

AMEND provides counseling to men who have been abusive, anger management, and addiction counseling; educational support, groups for victims, and community education.
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How do I get into the AMEND program?

To begin counseling at AMEND, first call the office most convenient for you and set up an intake appointment. Plan on two hours for an intake appointment and be sure to bring $35 for the intake fee.
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Does it cost anything to attend AMEND groups?

Yes. All counseling services are provided on a sliding fee basis. However, no one is turned away based on an inability to pay. All victim services are provided free of charge.
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How often do AMEND groups meet?

Counseling sessions are held once a week and are 90 minutes in length. Individual sessions also are 60 minutes and are held at the discretion of the counselor.
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Is AMEND certified?

AMEND's counselors are all approved by the Colorado DVOMB to provide domestic violence counseling in Colorado. In addition, we have certified addictions counselors in who can counsel for the dual issues of domestic violence, substance abuse, and compulsive gambling. AMEND counseling will satisfy court orders.
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Does AMEND counsel abusive women?

AMEND does not currently offer counseling services to female perpetrators of domestic violence. We will make a referral for this service.
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What does AMEND do to help the victims?

At all times, the victims' (and the children's) safety is paramount. AMEND has victim advocates on staff to provide 24-hour crisis availability, resource referrals, and advocacy to the partners and children of the men in our counseling program. All advocacy services are provided free of charge.
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What, exactly, is domestic violence?

Domestic violence occurs when a person attempts to gain and maintain power and control over his or her intimate partner. It occurs in all ethnic groups at all socioeconomic levels and in every religious group. Domestic violence can be:

Physical: Slapping, shaking, shoving, kicking, hitting, biting, attempt to strangle, using weapons or objects as weapons, grabbing, locking someone out, or restraining;

Destruction of Property: Punching walls, breaking furniture, destroying irreplaceable photos and heirlooms;

Emotional / Verbal: Threatening, excessive yelling, frequent criticism, name-calling, humiliating, berating or discounting your partner in speech or action, threatening to "out" your same-sex partner;

Sexual: Using physical force or coercion to make someone perform any sexual act against their will, including unprotected sex, forcing someone to wear sexually provocative clothing;

Financial: Denying partner access to family funds, bank accounts, or credit cards; controlling all finances and forcing partner to account for all money spent.

Isolation: Denying partner access to friends, family, telephone, news media, faith community, and other avenues of familial and social support.
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Why do people abuse the people they say they love?

Not all batterers share all the following traits; however these characteristics have been found to be fairly common among perpetrators of domestic violence.

• they witnessed abuse as a child or were themselves abused (the most indicative reason);
  
• they have a strong need for control, as evidenced by limited tolerance for frustration or severe reaction to stress;
  
• they have extremely low self-esteem;
  
• they have a very patriarchal view the world, believing in male supremacy and the stereotypical masculine sex role in the family;
  
• they have severe stress reactions;
  
• they may engage in escapist behaviors, such as chemical dependency and/or the "pure" addictions like compulsive gambling or sex addiction;
  
• they view violence as an acceptable means of solving conflict and expressing their anger;
  
• they are hypersensitive and are easily insulted or "injured," may be hyper-vigilant, quick to perceive insults;
  
• they may have a personality disorder;
  
• they have poor impulse control, including explosive tempers;
  
• they may be emotionally isolated, unable to express or even identify feelings other than anger;
  
• they may be intensely emotionally dependent on their partners, being "needy," possessive, and extremely jealous;
  
• they present a dual personality: either loving and kind or sullen, angry, and abusive;
  
• they lack assertiveness skills during conflict,and are more likely to respond passively or aggressively;
  
• they project blame/deny responsibility for their own behavior;
  
• they want quick involvement/commitment from their partners;
  
• they tend to over generalize and catastrophize, using these behaviors may lead to anxiety and depression;
  
• they obsess about their relationship, often following the current partner or stalking the ex-partner;
  
• they have unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners, children, pets;
  
• they tend to be distrustful of others, often including their partner;
  
• they deny and minimize the severity and frequency of their abusive behavior;
  
• they do not believe they did anything wrong or deserve consequences for their abuse;
  

Remember, the abuser's main goal is to gain power and control.
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Why do victims stay in abusive relationships?

Victims stay in abusive relationships for many complex reasons, including the following.

Fear: Many victims of domestic violence live in sheer terror due to the abuse they have suffered and the threats their batterers have made, including, "If you ever leave me, I'll kill you, I'll take the children, I'll hurt your family, I'll destroy the pets." The threats carry extreme impact due to the violence already experienced. Furthermore, many victims believe no one can truly protect them from their abusers.

Love: Often, victims still love their abusers or may cling to memories of what they once shared. Also, some victims feel pity and compassion for their batterers, and if substance abuse is involved, they may believe that if the substance abuse ends, the violence will end. Therefore, they feel compelled to stay and help end the addiction. In some cases, the batterer has threatened to kill him/herself if the partner leaves, and so the partner feels responsible for the abuser's safety and well-being.

Frequency and Severity of Battering: In many cases, a batterer will promise - quite convincingly - that this abusive incident will be the last. The victim will often believe him, especially if the abuse occurs relatively infrequently, or if the injuries are not severe. The batterer may also try to convince the victim that the abuse was her fault, that had she not done anything wrong, he would not have resorted to violence. Thus, she believes that if she changes herself and her actions, the abuse will not reoccur.

Economic Dependence: Some victims have no access to family checking and savings or credit cards and thus can't see leaving as being financially feasible. If there are children to support, the victim will be especially concerned about being able to provide for them if she leaves. If the batterer has prevented her from working for a period of time, she may doubt her ability to find a job and suitable transportation.

Isolation: Many batterers isolate their victims over a period of time from their friends and even family. This isolation is compounded by a lack of familiarity with available resources (e.g., crisis lines and shelters). Some victims who are aware of available resources may choose not to access them due to a stigma attached to asking for help and a belief that outsiders should not be involved in family affairs.

Her Beliefs: If a victim grew up witnessing domestic violence, she may believe abuse is a normal part of every intimate adult relationship. Similarly, if she witnessed abuse or was abused as a child, she may believe it's acceptable to hit a family member. By either witnessing or experiencing abuse as a child, the victim may not have learned any healthy forms of conflict resolution. In addition, if she has very low self esteem, she may believe she deserves such abusive treatment.
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Why should I support an organization that helps batterers?

Domestic violence will never go away if we provide services only to the victims. Abusive men can change if they have the desire, the right support, and learn the right skills. At AMEND, we help men learn and maintain a life of nonviolence, redirect their anger, help them to stop abusing their loved ones, and encourage them to create healthy relationships with their families. As men learn these skills, they model them for their children, which means we're not only interrupting one cycle of violence, but we're also preventing it from being passed on to a second generation. We know we're achieving positive results: a recent Centers for Disease Control study on the AMEND program revealed that we achieve a 58% success rate with the men we counsel.
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Does domestic violence ever occur in gay or lesbian relationships?

Domestic violence is an issue of power. It is not an issue of race or class, nor is it an issue of gender. As such, domestic violence occurs in all relationships, gay and straight. Whether female or male, victims of domestic violence are often powerless to end the violence. The Denver municipal courts currently report 50 domestic violence convictions every month committed against gay and lesbian partners. Of those, approximately half are committed by gay men against their partners. The Denver Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Domestic Violence Prevention Task Force estimates, based on figures released from the Denver courts, that one gay/lesbian/bisexual incident of domestic violence occurs every 90 minutes in the metro-Denver area. Unlike their straight counterparts, gay, lesbian, and bisexual victims face a dearth of resources available to help them during this time of crisis. To help address the obvious gap in services for both victims and perpetrators, AMEND provides male same-sex domestic violence offender counseling in its Denver offices. As per the AMEND philosophy, all victims receive victim advocacy from our staff.
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Does AMEND have groups across the nation?

No, AMEND only offers counseling groups in the metro-Denver area. We do offer community education presentations and training across the U.S. when asked and when feasible.
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All materials and images, except where noted, Copyright 2003 AMEND, Inc.